Ashley

Her beauty is hard to deny,

She moves with out fear,

Having no limit to her movement.

Letting her heart take control,

As she goes into her own little world.

Turning, Reaching, Jumping, Dropping....

Her movement so original,

As she dances through the room,

You feel the love in heart,

And the kindness she has to offer.

More then a dancer,

More then a teacher,

More then a friend,

She was a hero.

People like her are hard to find,

Contagious smile,

Genuine heart,

Free soul,

An inspiration to all who knew her,

A truly amazing girl.

One for the smiles that I cover my pain with

There's a story behind every smile.

Don't assume,

Until you know,

The story behind the smile.

Could I have stopped her?

Could I have stopped her from committing this sin?

If I would have shown her what she couldn't see?

Would she still be gone if she would have known,

Just how much she means to me?

Can she see me from heaven?

Can she see what her absence has done to me?

Did she watch me slide the razor from left to right?

Does she regret?

Does she wish she could be here for me,

Like I wish I could have been there for her?

Was that her that night?

That night I was lying in bed with tears in my eyes,

With blood on my wrist,

Did she brush my cheek, place her hand on mine,

I felt the cool breeze, I felt another presence,

Was she there for me?

Just keep moving... Just keep moving...

Her words of wisdom replay over and over in my head,

I try, I try, I try to keep moving...

I'm trying to let go...

But I just can't...

I miss you so much my friend...

My hero...

I hold you close to my heart,

I always will.

Dear friend... You taught me so much.

I continue to wonder...I can't help but to wonder,

Could I have stopped her?

One for my mother who has stopped asking why...

She used to ask me whats wrong.

I used to tell her.

I don't know why... But after a while I stopped telling her whats wrong when she asked... Maybe I was sick of being judged because thats what my Mom does. She judges everyone. I guess she just got tired of hearing "nothing" so she stopped asking. Now instead of trying to figure out whats wrong with me, she punishes me. For example, I don't like to go to dance anymore because it hurts to look in the mirror at myself. & its ridiculously hard to have good technique that I have just kind of given up on myself. I tell her that I don't want to go to dance & she says to me "if you don't go you are going to be punished". She doesn't even try to find out whats wrong with me so that she can help me. Thats why she was one of the reasons behind my crime. Because she doesn't care to help me...

"I'm proud of you"

Today my sister came in from a run with my Mom & I was sitting in the kitchen studying for finals & she says to me, "You know I'm really proud of you. Your a really good student. You study really good & I'm just really proud of you." It means a lot to me that she took the time to tell me how proud of me she is. When she said that I felt that warm feeling run through my body & I couldn't help but smile. ❤

Its easier to focus on the outside pain then the pain on the inside.

It was the first time I had ever done it,

But not the first time I had considered doing it.

I broke the razor & held it to my wrist,

Slid it across from left to right,

I flinched from the pain but the pain gave me strength,

The blood rose from my skin and the tears fell from my eyes,

I did it a second time, a third time, a fourth time, too many times to count,

I forgot my problems for only a second as I watched the blood rise,

It was only a second but it felt amazing.

Its easier to focus on the outside pain then the pain on the inside...

One for my lack of determination in dance,

One for my mother who has stopped asking why,

One for the boys who just want my body,

One for the girls who never include me,

One for my best friend's bother who stole my innocence,

One for the image in the mirror that I hate to look at,

One for the smiles that I cover my pain with,

One for the dreams that will never come true,

One for the As I force myself to get in school,

One for how shy I am and how hard it is for me to make friends,

One for my best friend who never listens to me,

One for my other best friend who never approves of me,

And one myself. For never being good enough for me. For never loving myself.

Now it is the next morning after I have committed this crime,

I woke up and brushed my teeth and I almost forgot what I had done,

Then I felt the pain in my arm and I pulled up my sleeve,

And I remembered what I had done to myself.

I thought about all of my morals,

I never would have thought of doing this a few years ago.

I used to be the happiest little girl in the world,

What has happened to me?

Crushed

“Why do they call it a crush? Because that's how you feel when they don't feel the same way in return.”

Today I heard that the guy in my math class who I have a massive crush on has a girlfriend.

I have no idea if its true but I hope it isn't... I don't think it is....

He stares at me all the time in class but never makes a move :(

Why is it that all the guys I am actually interested in never make a move but the guys who I would

probably never be interested in always make a move?!?!

I have only made out with one guy & I don't even know his name. We were dancing at a teen club

& he just started kissing me. He stuck his tongue down my throat way too far, it was awful. I want

to have a legit kiss, I want it to actually mean something.

Lately I feel like nothing really means anything anymore...

Intro... I guess.

Who knows if anyone will actually read this. Its 12:31 AM on a Tuesday night & I have to go to bed so that I can go to school in the morning. I created this blog because I tend to express my stories and my feelings through writing the best. I never was into the whole 'diary' thing because no one ever read my diary so even though I was still venting, I wasn't venting to someone. For some reason the idea of venting to people who I have never met before in my life brings me comfort. Strange, huh? I would prefer to remain anonymous just incase someone I do know somehow comes along and finds my blog, so I'm going to tell you my name is Jac. I am a fifteen year old girl who lives in California, currently a sophomore in high school. Everyday I put on a mask, I hide behind a smile. No one truly understands the things I have had to deal with in my life. Certain people like my best friend understand bits and pieces but no one knows it all. I know there are people in the world who have had to deal with more shit then I have and I am not asking you to take pity on me, all I want is for someone to listen. I do have a lot of people in my life I can talk to about my problems, and I do talk to them, but I always leave out some parts because I am scared of being judged. Here, I will write only the truth. All I ask is for someone to listen to my story.

-Jac